amiliionthoughts n a downturned smile.

Zian. WARNING: gross rant post ahead. LEAVE now hit the "x" button if you cant stand it. or just sit. i slept at 2am yesterday watching 200pounds. i slept like a baby on the way to school. got new essay coming up after info essay. and ima leed. im so tired and sian and worried about essay that i still didnt feel like going vb but i cldnt ps sher. feel bad that she cldnt go eat with the rest at macs cos of me. im sorry but nx time ok? sorry yea.. anw i felt happy for running 3rounds agen today lol. happy happy happy. oh and i discovered bluetoothing songs to ma handphone so cool. was so delighted but as some say, all good things come to an end, not enough mem card space LOL. yea but tts about all that was worth happying abt today. overheard mum talk*scold* sis in bathroom :/ then hp bill scare ($93, 1& 1/2 mths) so troublesome. gotta go check it out tmr. or rather, today. have to draw sketch soon tonight. or rather, morning since now its 12 05. thursday after 2dart gotta do proposal due friday. then go movie screening. friday going shi fu's school i think? saturday vb sentosa??? sunday writcom grp meeting for nx essay. TOtal sianness. and i need to re do my photo series. T_T yes, honestly, i feel like crying. damn lame right. like, wth nel, year one only why you want to cry? if you cant do it now, year 2 & 3 how? nel is so useless. ): i honestly dont think i can keep up with vb. haha. i lack Time management skills ya'll. i think im actually selfish and uncaring. haha. seriously i thought of it. i dont like to do things because of people but rather, myself. i dont want to care about how others feel. its like, take it or not. like it or hate it. i cant stand crappy people. when i try to study for exams i dont do it for my mum nor because she rants at me too much basically i know that even if i study she'll prolly rant at me anyways and, i rather study for myself, not for her. i cant stand my mum. because when sometimes she gets all lonely and sad, stressed and worried, i cant go against her. i cant go against her also because no one else will help her. i hate people who bad mouth my mum. like, my mum is great, no need you to criticise her thanks. bloody weakspot. much as i try to ignore her, i dislike it when she gets all touchy feelly( oh G) i do most cats willingly. its my pride & joy even if it may not be A grade. i did it and im satisfied. im proud i made it come okay so far. self satisfaction is a glorious feeling. i dont want to screw up writcom. i will die in myself. if only i had tears. but i think i used it all up from him. no matter how sad i kinda feel now, no tears come if so, only so little it makes me call those tears Losers. my dear sister. mumsie is right to me you know. it freaking hurts all us dont you know? neither do i think you are mature. your lecturers may sing praises for you, and all your letters seem so well thought out but look at you. sometimes i think that you do it only either because you think its cool or you want attention. thats why sometimes i want to ignore you. thats why i refused to help you with your hand thingys. because you brought it upon yourself sometimes i can smile but its not my true smile. i wonder what happened. in lower sec days i could be the most cheerful girl in school. i could smile and laugh heartily everyday. but after sec3 till now. i've had many bouts of darkness. i cant smile. even now my mouth seems downturned to me. in school, much as i dislike it because sher is so happy and i dont want to be a wet blanket but i cant bring myself to smile and be like, totally happy. maybe for awhile yes but mostly, no. i want to smile again. sistersistersisteriheartyou. hear us? your family is calling for you. i love my family, nothing more. there are times where i hate it. but it all comes back. we are after all, family. harm them i harm you. ( to the best of my capabilities la) thx blen for saying u r my loyal blog fan lols. thx narith for telling me to take care. thx ser for tagging (: oh sky.